Had a difficult time getting back to goal directed activities. It took me close to a month to return to my practice after my cat Marsalis was put to sleep. It wasn’t necessarily anything to do with him - at least not consciously. I just got used to not practicing again. It weighs heavy on me when I am not doing it. I guess this is a good thing. I hear other people playing - like Chick Corea playing Mozart piano concertos - and my heart and soul feel like they are being ripped out. Not in a altogether bad way, but in a “that is so f’ing cool - I could be that - but I can’t be that unless I commit to it” kinda way. Like a soul yearning feeling blocked by my own lack of action. Inner conflict!
I was thinking while I was stuck, “I should blog about this. That would be the honest thing to do” but I don’t want to pay too close attention to these kinds of minor hurdles on my path, even if that means I drop off my blog radar for a bit while I work stuff out. Blogging about bad stuff begets more bad stuff! I want to get into the solution. The solution is simple. Stop thinking about how and why I am not practicing and just practice dammit! Ask God for help! So I did and I’m back. Been back practicing for a week now. That was another thing I decided. No more blogs about “I’m ready to do this” or “I’m going to start this”. I’m only going to report what I have done. If I stick to this rule my blog will stay real, much less idealistic and won’t get muddled with my own bull shit. Cause God knows, I can be full of it. I want to be sure I’m walking the walk and not just talking and planning to make myself feel better. When I last checked in with my sightreading progress, I was at 75 bpm on bass clef line notes. A weeks worth of practice and today I am at 120 bpm. I started bass clef space notes today. Very slow bpm right now.
My piano is going haywire! I am just barely able to make it work for practice. I’m blessed that I can get it to work just enough for this. I am looking forward to getting a job so that I can afford a new one. I have a few on my wish list. It’s nice to be able to look forward to something like a new piano. I forgot what it felt like to be enthusiastic over stuff like this:
http://www.fatar.com/studiologic/pages/numanero.html
http://www.kawaius.com/main_links/digital/PRO_2010/mp10.html
http://usa.yamaha.com/products/musical-instruments/keyboards/stagepianos/cp/cp5/?mode=model
It looks like I am getting an artist endorsement for a very cool music software company called Imperfect Samples. They make the most incredible piano samples in the business. I can’t wait to try their stuff.
I wrote two letters to Apple. One to their corporate HR department and one to the local Apple store. Just a followup because I have not heard back from them about the Genius job I applied for. Best Buy has not called me back either. I got word that Native Instruments - a German music software company was hiring for their LA offices. I immediately applied. I hope to hear back from them soon. I use their instruments, in fact the piano sample I used for the song on this blog is their software. It would be cool to work for them. I was even thinking that maybe this was the job I was meant to get. Still waiting for God to show me why Apple was not the right place for me. :) This may be it!
Sobriety is going extremely well. Everyday proves to be another opportunity to test my ability to surrender. The more I do it, the better at it I get. When self-will and ego is absent, God does fantastic things for me in my day. The sobriety is actually just a very minor element to this new life. The fact that I’m sober is kinda small in comparison to the transformative stuff that is going on. I’m not saying sobriety is not important. Without it, none of this would be possible. I’m just saying that there is life and spiritual transcendence far above that which I never could have expected. My relationship with my God is becoming quite personal. I feel like I know Jesus like a true friend. The other day when I was leaving my house to go out on an errand, I realized that I hadn’t prayed yet and surrendered my self over to God’s care for the day. I ran back in the house to my music room which is also where my cross is - where I pray, and I somehow had a lapse of reason. Running into the room in my head I was like, “Hey Jesus, let’s go” Like I had forgotten him and was reminding him we were leaving - expecting him to actually be sitting there on the couch. Really. No joke. My mind is doing some bizarre things - processing stuff differently when I’m in this new 4th dimension of existence. Or maybe I’m in the early stages of schizophrenia! When I realized he wasn’t actually sitting there, I felt kinda lame. ”Am I going crazy?” I prayed and was on my way.
I’m still very hesitant to share that I am a Christian now. I don’t like mentioning the word “Jesus”. Is that weird? I know how I used to feel about “Christians”, and I am concerned that others feel the same. I can’t deny that despite my disdain for what some Christians do in the name of their religion, that Jesus is actually working wonders for me. It’s such a relief. So I’m working on being more comfortable with owning this thing. I will never impose my spirituality onto anyone, but it’s close to impossible to not want to share how incredible it is now that I have gotten to know Buddy Christ.
I’ve taken a liking to retro photography effects a la Photoshop.
Marsalis had to be put to sleep yesterday due to acute kidney failure - a complication of his heart disease. He was a good cat and a close friend of mine. He will be missed.
a brief update
My newfound spiritually and Primetime sobriety is going fantastic. Everything is illuminated! I feel one with the universe and with God. I am a new friend of a squirrel family and a caterpillar. The flowers on the bushes and in the pots in my backyard have multiplied ten-fold, and I am surrounded by synchronicities.
I’ve applied for two jobs - Apple Genius and Best Buy Geek Squad computer tech. I haven’t heard back from either. I’m going to apply at Fresh & Easy Market today as well. I’ve surrendered my ego’s requirement of having a “cool” higher paying job. My cool higher paying job will be my music in time to come. I need something else for now.
I’m sitting at the piano and practicing finally. No more sitting on the couch with flash cards! I’ve been working on Hanon and sightreading. Hanon is really only for finger strength, dexterity and muscle memory training. Important, but not nearly as significant as sightreading. My sightreading training is coming to me pro-bono by a coach on the internet, who is allowing me free access to his website lessons. Very grateful to him for that. He’s a true man of God. This is a screenshot of the lesson I am on now.
He does his lessons on a big white board that he writes on. I take a screen shot of it because my computer is behind my piano. So I play the video behind me while looking at a printed screen shot in front of me. It’s working out great.
As of now, I can sightread single line notes in the bass clef at 75 bpm. It feels good to be making progress. It’s kinda strange - when I’m doing it, I can’t believe I’m actually doing it. It’s like, “wow, I’m really sightreading!” These are just basic single notes - it will get significantly more difficult soon, but I’m just happy to be moving in the right direction.
By the grace of God I go!
I had a huge “ah ha” moment yesterday that I would like to work out relating to Christianity. It’s like all the pieces of the puzzle are fitting together!
I had heard long ago from an Episcopal priest who was also a Jungian analyst that the symbolism of the cross and crucification is most effective when viewed in the framework of the ego. Now I finally get what he was getting at.
The ego’s worst fear is death. Chances are you and I are not conscious of this fear yet it does exist at the core level of our subconscious. This fear of death is the ego’s fuel. It manifests itself in many subverted forms. It is these forms that we see on the surface. Often it’s fear itself, otherwise it’s fear cloaked as anger, hate, control, boasting, manipulation, etc.
For the sake of this thought, let’s assume Jesus was the son of God who possessed the omniscient power to heal others and do cool things like turning water into wine. Surely he could have easily hopped down off the cross? ”Fuck this - I’m outta here”. Yet he didn’t. As hard as it was for him, he stayed up there and he died. He even forgave those who crucified him. He then was resurrected at which point he was evermore powerful - he could walk through walls, and do all sorts of cool shit.
My recent experience has revealed in my own life the deep symbolism of the crucifixion. I must crucify my ego, not just once - but everyday - sometimes often throughout my day. I must rid myself of self. It’s hard to do, because my ego so wants to railroad, control and fear everything. I go to God for this and I surrender, which is completely against my nature. A part of me dies, God’s power flows in and I am resurrected in a newer, truer, stronger form. In this new form, I don’t feel the need to drink or use nor fight, and I am powerful for the first time.
Did the crucification really take place? Is Jesus really the son of God? None of it matters. What does matter to me is the symbolism of this story, and the personal connection I have made to a God of my understanding that saves me from the damage that my ego creates in my life.
I’ve got to give it up completely to get it. Now I understand!
..okay now let’s go do this music thing.
Prime Time
I feel it’s time to modify the angle of this blog to include my recovery. Otherwise, it’s going to be just too slow and boring! My recovery is the cornerstone for everything I do, including music - so it makes sense to talk about it.
5 days ago I was introduced to an AA group called Prime Time. This group’s ideologies coincide with the recent discoveries I’ve made following my relapse two months ago - that my problem must exist on a deeper level than that of drugs and alcohol.
The reason why the Prime Time approach is so important to me is that it is the only AA group I’m aware of that addresses the problem at it’s core. This is all fundamental stuff that’s in our AA Big Book, yet more often than not, this core issue that exists in all alcoholics is somehow skipped over and not addressed throughout AA these days. Typically in AA, people who do the work do get well. Fellowship, meetings, the 12 steps and action in recovery will transform a life. While the alcohol or drug obsession may cease in time, the core problem still exists and subverts itself into various forms - eating disorders, sex, smoking, coffee & energy drink addiction, anxiety issues and depression. AA seems to be riddled with these folks, others with time end up in relapse - dumbfounded as to what happened. I was the latter.
My recovery up until very recently consisted of a surrender over to God and an understanding that I am powerless over drugs and booze - yet I managed to keep my ego-self somewhat intact, therefore despite my good intentions, this surrender was not a complete surrender. My white flag was being waived at drugs and alcohol only - not at myself and my thinking. My internal dialogue was still constantly chewing away at everything. There was a pink cloud, because anything is better than the prison that coincides with meth and alcohol abuse, yet that pink cloud was destined to end at which point I’m left with me and my thoughts - and from there relapse is inevitable. So I scramble to complete a proper fourth step inventory where I discover that the resentments I feel stem from any one of the many forms of fear that linger in my subconscious. This is itself a huge leap in the right direction, and is so close to touching on the core problem, but I’m still not completely getting it yet. After asking God to remove my shortcomings in Step seven, I feel better and more capable, but I’ve still kept a big part of my ego onboard - and to make matters worse, I’m unconscious of this as I have no idea yet that my ego is not me. So even though I’m “surrendered” to God, I’m still operating on my outdated operating system, and this OS is riddled with malware - corrupted with all sorts of problems. But I need to keep it because it is so familiar to me. It’s the only way I know how to operate (think) and my ego still being in charge tells me this OS is okay. The rest of the steps bring yet further spiritual breakthroughs, but I’m still not even aware of the core problem. So I begin to take action like AA recommends. Action in recovery is fantastic. It gives me a temporary reprieve, yet it most likely doesn’t address, nor help me to understand the core problem, nor can I truly help others until I learn how to help myself, stop being a slave to that which I am unaware of and address what’s really at the bottom of all this.
Alcohol and drugs are not my problem, rather they are a solution (with terrible consequences) to my real problem. My ego and it’s thinking is the core problem - not just thinking about drugs and alcohol - thinking about everything. The problem is my mind and how I operate. How I think and view myself, others and the world. I have an infantile ego. My confidence level is either through the roof or utterly lacking. It waivers this way and that. I can’t just be okay with the moment. My mind runs amuck, judging myself, judging others - over-thinking everything. Often times the thinking is positive, other times it’s fear-based negativity. Either way, it’s a self-centered framework which is often times, unbeknownst to me, not completely aligned with reality. This internal processing and discontentment never ends. I must rid myself of it so I can have some peace and serenity - but unlike before, I now understand what the problem actually is. I’m no longer in an unconscious state assuming I want to drink or use because I like the way it feels. I finally get it. It’s an escape from me that I need. I am just not okay with the way I am right now in the present moment. Here and now with this new information, I can utilize AA, my spiritual tools and my God connection in a much more powerful and effective way - to rid myself of this toxic ego and all it’s cluttered thinking that’s fucking everything up. So I turn to God for help with this, and in doing so I get an undeserved, unexpected break from ME - at which point the Sunshine finally shines in.
I have come to see how my ego-self is not me. It takes me over and hijacks my day. It’s like a rabid, hungry, horny pit bull. He’s not mean - he will only attack you if he perceives you as a threat. He mostly just desperately wants attention. He so needs to be loved. He want’s to fuck everything, eat everything, and love everything. Consume, consume, consume is all he does. There’s never a moment of serene peace within because the drive to stay alive, to be well - to be acknowledged and recognized - is so overwhelming. He can’t just be. He can’t just accept what is.
So now I’m working on crucifying this cute little four-legged charismatic fucker. I do it many times throughout my day. I have him hop on up to the cross and I nail him down, “Don’t worry, you’ll be back tomorrow.” What I replace him with is God’s presence and grace. I do ask for It, but it is as if It was already there, I just have to remove Fido from the equation, at which point I am catapulted into the fourth dimension and am suddenly basking in the Sunshine of the Spirit. During this moment there is a peace and Connection that I can’t begin to describe here in words, and everything becomes easy. Being void of self is the coolest thing ever.
It is in this place that I will find my song. It’s got to be there, it’s the only place I haven’t looked.
